AMPUTEES ACROSS AMERICA

July 9, 2008

Visitation at HealthSouth Lakeview Rehab Hospital of Elizabethtown, Ky

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Pig 3 has been taken hostage and will be returned only under these conditions: 1) Luke should be fed every 2 hours 2) Bill should be permanently referred to as The Grand PooPah of Kentucky 3) Every time Joe sees a train and points it out to the group, AJ must say that Bill is ABSOLUTELY the perfect specimen of manhood.

What an ABSOLUTELY lovely day for ride-in---Low clouds, heavy rains, and a humongous hill. We rode in today with the Elizabethtown fire department, police in cars and on bikes, the Elizabethtown mayor, and friends and family of the E-town HealthSouth.

Here we see AJ, Luke, Joe, and Bill skidding into the facility. AJ was a teensy bit peeved that she didn’t get to ride in on the motorcycle. Everyone was a teensy bit waterlogged. Bill was ABSOLUTELY a teensy bit off his rocker.

E-town’s mayor, the Honorable David Wilmoth and HealthSouth CEO Eileen Nelson ARE seen soliciting funds for Amputees Across America in exchange for city pins and a HealthSouth tshirt from a passing homeless person who wandered onto the hospital grounds.

What is that on the princess’ bike helmet? Is that a new, fluffy, ABSOLUTELY feathery tiara in hot pink? Luke scratches his head in disbelief while Bill and Joe, thinking it a trained pink flamingo chick, look very impressed. Lorrie Young, DMO, is polite and gracious in welcoming this motley crew and considers a change in career to insane asylum management.

Are we ABSOLUTELY trying to catch rainwater or gargling away our morning breath before we visit the patients? There is no telling. Hopefully AJ's meds will kick in before too much longer. Wonder what happened to the pink fuzzy thingamabob that was growing on top of AJ's head?

We were greeted today by an ABSOLUTELY wonderful, smiling group of people! The staff at HealthSouth had lots of activities going on and the patients came out in full force. What a great visit! Hutch, the money guy (comptroller) is seen smiling because his enlistment to help the Marketing gals with this visit is coming to an end.

AJ does her ABSOLUTELY best chicken imitation while asking the patients the age-old question “which came first: the chicken or the egg?” Luke was busy curled up in fetal position representing the egg. The audience didn’t come up with a conclusion but they decided to have boiled eggs for dinner.

Here we see Bill sneaking up on an ABSOLUTELY unsuspecting Luke with a thumbtack in his hand. Luke painfully found that spandex isn’t a thumbtack repellant nor is thumbtack-proof.

Luke, retaliating on Bill’s thumbtack poke, sticks his hand so far down Bill’s spandex (in order to give him an atomic wedgie) that it ABSOLUTELY disappears. Bill’s voice then goes up two octaves.

The audience looks ABSOLUTELY enthused when Joe’s “very short” speech only refers to his height and not length of speaking time. Our Joe, it seems, is learning how to make a short story long in true Jerry Suggs style.

AJ is showing Carolyn how to do a Georgia Peach/Gangsta knuckle knocking poster transfer and handshake. It is an ABSOLUTELY integral part of her therapy today and she promised to teach it to all the other inpatients and her entire family upon her discharge.

Virginia laughs at poor Bill as she realizes that he’s been explaining ABSOLUTELY everything about a poster that’s hanging upside down. Poor Bill thought that she was laughing at his Joe impression and never knew that she was thought he was the goofiest thing she had ever seen.

Luke gets ready to teach a group class on how to pack a can of Copenhagen. Once they have ABSOLUTELY mastered that fine art, they will learn how to take just the right amount to make 42 nice, brown spits.

Earl looks ABSOLUTELY surprised to learn that Bill is really a 6’-4” man trapped in a 5’-7” man’s body and that his family tree began with the unlikely a union between a wandering vaudeville actress and circus sideshow manager.

While AJ ABSOLUTELY gasps for breath after getting a whiff of Joe’s “patient repellent” known as ode de toilette, Bill sniggers when he thinks that Luke drank toilet water and not Mt. Dew. At the very least, Luke had great breath for the rest of the visit.

AJ is ABSOLUTELY officially initiated into the “junk in the trunk” club by Carla. Carla, who was able to stand today for 3 minutes, is a pro at rolling spares while bowling on the Wii and is working hard to get back home. Keep up the hard work!

Our apologies to HealthSouth Lakeview Rehabilitation Hospital for the very antisocial behavior of out two team clowns, Luke and Bill. It seems that the local lunatic Asylum for the Criminally Lame became confused and gave us two lame brained individuals to go on the ride rather than the two lame individuals we requested. Hopefully Lorrie Young and Eileen Nelson will overlook the damage and invite us back next year. To thank the many individuals at HealthSouth who put forth such great effort to make this visitation a memorable one and the community involvement from the Mayor to the many vendors, health organizations, local businesses, and the local community are too many to adequately recognize and thank. It was a great visitation, a great effort, and a tremendous success thanks to Eileen, Lorrie, Kim, Hutch, and others. And if we promise to leave Lukas at prosthetics school next year, we hope to return again this time next year.

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